Dekindling Flames

Man, there's some stuff on my mind but I don't know how to convey it properly. I'd like people who are unaffiliated and unbiased towards this situation to know what I'm thinking about, but can't figure out how I can tell those people without telling people who I'd rather not know about it. I guess that's the downside to a public blog though, living with the assumption that everyone in the world is reading your blog (even though I know the truth is almost the exact opposite of that!).

Thinking, thinking...

Oh, hell with it. Throwing caution to the wind is fun sometimes.

So I was at this wedding this past weekend, and it was a really fun time. This dude I used to work with and still grab lunch with on occasion got married to this girl he started dating shortly after I started working at VRSN. It was pretty cool to see their relationship go from just starting out dating to married in the span of roughly three years, and listening to some of the stories he told me about his uncertainty about the relationship, or some of the more embarrassing stuff that happened (wife finding tranny porn in a "Nemo" folder on his desktop comes to mind most recently, very few of you will get that reference though). Through all of it, they made it work, and I don't think I've ever seen this guy look as sure that he was making the right decision as he looked when he was up at the altar and thereafter. So congrats to him.

But this post is going to be more narcissistic, unfortunately. A handful of my former coworkers were present at the event, and it was fun getting to chat with them and catch up, as well as see some of their kids or significant others that I had yet to meet. The concern came up when I was asked by one of my old coworkers if I was dating anyone. It's only relevant also because I had been seeing his friend for a while when I lived in California previously, and I wouldn't say it was a serious relationship. I can't recall if I've ever touched on it in this blog, and I don't think I need to go into detail, but let's just say that our get-togethers were exclusively private ones. When I left California, it was implied that things just sorta ended and I had been thinking about it ever since I came back, although not acting on anything, impulses or otherwise. So I didn't feel it was necessary to make my presence known to her directly. However, words travel on the wind with ease. So even despite my best efforts to stay incognito from this girl, my old coworkers obviously knew I was back and so the word spread. Surely she knows, how could she not? But it's not like I've been hearing from her either, so maybe the sun has set on that whole situation, or maybe she feels awkward contacting me after a year of no contact. Theories abound for sure, but it's not really my concern at this point.

At least until Saturday.

So said coworker decides to be the one asking if I'm seeing anyone. I actually did meet someone recently, but I wouldn't say we're dating at this point. So I didn't exactly lie by saying that I had met someone. His response: "Oh... so I guess... no Kimmy... ha... HAHA!..." It was of such an awkward nature that it deviated from even his usual strange social interactions. We both shared a sort of "ha ha" laugh about it and I figured that was gonna be the end of it. Later on in the night, after the dancing started and people were mingling around, he approached me and brought it up in a roundabout way again. What irked me a little about this was that he was sort of inquiring about my relationship with this girl even though he was closer friends with her and should be getting his information from her, not me. I wasn't exactly going around bragging about my relationship, I downplayed it a LOT. I know that might seem disrespectful to the girl (bragging would be equally disrespectful, if not more), but I tried my very best to establish explicit parameters of this relationship with her at the very beginning. If he doesn't know what kind of relationship we had by now, he's probably alone there and just being ignorant. But he's not getting any info out of me. He also made some comment about "if I wasn't seeing someone already" during the night, which seemed more in jest than anything, so I didn't think much of it at the time, but whether or not I'm seeing someone is irrelevant to the fact that I don't want to pursue a further relationship with this other girl.

This is the point where I might REALLY regret writing this. Because even though I feel like the rules were put in place at the beginning, people change and their feelings change, and it's not right to just assume that she feels the same way now as she said she did then. My feelings, for the record, are unchanged. Times haven't really changed as they relate to this situation. It has absolutely crossed my mind, several times, to contact her and maybe see how it plays out. But in my mind, I already know how it will play out. I've had a year to think about it, and in that time, my only conclusion was that it was destructive for me, and she probably wasn't that happy with the status of the relationship either. So to go back to her would only give her false hope (OK, I KNOW that makes me sound like a self-aggrandizing douchebag, bear with me though) and would make me discontent because I believe I could meet someone who I feel a stronger connection with and have a deeper relationship. Even though some dudes would do it just for the action, that's not really my thing. Maybe back in college, but not anymore. The whole wedding scene reinforced that philosophy in a subtle way. Not that I'm ready to marry, but I'm definitely ready to meet someone I COULD marry. Or at least have a relationship with depth, one that proves I'm at the point in life where I want to have someone that close to me for the long term, which would lead to the notion that I am ready for marriage. It's been a long time since I've been known colloquially to friends and family to be in a serious relationship, as it's really just been a series of flings (of varying length and intensity) to this point since high school. I think it's gotten to the point where my friends and family are sort of pulling for me, because they feel like I deserve something with more substance. I agree with them, but it's never really been a priority to date someone seriously for a long amount of time. I guess the times are changing after all.

Like I said though, I was serious about having met someone recently. Hopefully I'll have more to say about that soon. :)