The stars are watching us

I had the strangest dream last night that someone had the same exact tattoo as I have except it was on their upper right bicep instead of left hand/forearm. I believe the person was a UPS or FedEx delivery man. That's all I remember, but I woke up with a discontented feeling because even though I primarily chose that image for it's underlying meaning (envision the same reason many religious people get tattoos of the cross on their back or etc.), I also thought it was pretty unique given it's style and location. I thought it was really exciting and cool when I first got it, and was so geeked to show it off to people. My uncle called me "a tattoo foo'" but even he has grown to accept it. My own mother called it "potentially offensive" to my stepdad and his family because they are Jewish and the whole thing with the Nazis tattooing the Jews in internment camps during the Holocaust. That accusation was so unpleasant as to be offensive in and of itself, as if I would have such an intention to offend others with my own body art! If I wanted to do that, wouldn't a big "Fuck You!" on my forehead suffice?

Wild accusations aside, I have come to realize that I hardly notice the tat anymore, as it has just become part of my physical persona. Every now and then though, I look down at it and it helps me remember who I am. Everyone has their own beliefs about life, and I identify with my zodiac sign on a level deeper than most people, who are content to read their daily horoscope in the paper and make their own outcomes about whether or not it's true, like a fortune cookie perhaps. For me, the underlying foundation of the Aquarian sign not only seems to shape who I am as a person, but gives me direction on how to approach my relationships with other people. For example, Aquarius and Capricorns, despite being born only a month apart, are very different. My mom is a Capricorn, and my dad was a Pisces (the sign immediately following Aquarius). My stepdad is also a Capricorn. Aquarius has more of a free-spirited or even rebellious theme, with an emphasis on thinking, logic, and idealism. Capricorns are more comfortable with a good plan, maintaining strong relationships with people, and a very hierarchical structure for everything in their life. These contrasts have made it very challenging to keep a positive relationship with my parents all the time, and it becomes much easier for me to distance myself from them when I feel that their Alpha-like personalities are overwhelming me. I honestly don't understand how my parents even get along, being very stubborn and committed to a preset way of life. Birds of a feather flock together, I suppose.

But I really enjoy learning and thinking (true to Aquarian form) and it helps me understand better how I can be on good terms with my family in spite of our basic differences in personality. Often times this leads to me making concessions or compromising my own feelings in the interest of maintaining mutual harmony. Of course this takes its toll on my own well being, and that's why it's apparent that creating a buffer of space (physical and social) between my parents is necessary for me to stay sane.

When I was doing some research on Aquarius in an attempt to better understand my own underlying beliefs, I was curious to see which signs I was destined to be most compatible around. Clearly, Aquarius and Capricorn is a poor match with rare exceptions, and that will likely prevent me from dating one. Not because one is superior to the other, it's just major differences in our respective outlooks on life that lend themselves to friction as opposed to compatibility. The signs I found myself most aligned with were other Aquarians, Gemini, and Libra. My cousin, who is absolutely my closest confidante in life and can probably even finish my sentences for me, is a Gemini. That is not surprising. I thought about my past relationships and the signs those women had. Virgo, Cancer, and a border Taurus/Gemini. The Cancer was the most exhilarating relationship, but was rather short-lived and ended with the two of us spitting fire. The Virgo was not as deeply committed to me (or vice versa) as the other two relationships, and was very off and on for a while, but it had it's shining moments. The T/G was my first girlfriend and I learned a great deal about concerning myself with someone else's feelings at that young age of 17. They were all very different women and the relationships I had with them were also very different. The only thing these relationships had in common is that they didn't last very long. This is not to say dating a Libra or Aquarius or Gemini is a sure thing -- no relationship ever is. Obviously there are many other factors that go into determining if someone is capable of being a good match. But understanding the thought process of these like-minded people may be key to knowing what to expect when I enter into a new relationship. So between knowing that, and knowing what I like and dislike in a potential partner, my criteria becomes more refined but I will hopefully be able to better recognize a good match when I meet one in the future.

When I was hanging with Erika the other night (the good part of the evening, after the ATM card fiasco!), she made a comment about my aptitude with numbers and how I should do something with statistics. This was very gratifying, as that is the route I've already envisioned my next few years taking. Starting with returning to school for a Master's degree, but this time in a subject I have both an interest in and a natural inclination towards, and using that knowledge to pursue a career in something I'm passionate about. Having one of the best friends I have echoing my own sentiments only validates my decision that much more. I've been having more and more "What am I doing with my life, man?" moments in the past weeks, and it seems like I've overcome the first obstacle, which was figuring out what I WANT to do. Now the more practical obstacle of how to achieve those goals stands defiantly in my way, but I'm determined not to let it stop me.

As it stands, I have a lot to think about.

And as an Aquarius, I'm really happy about that. :)